[00:00:02] Hey, Better Days family. Welcome to Better Days Podcast Season 9.

[00:00:07] This season of the Better Days Podcast, we're going to talk about different aspects of mental

[00:00:12] health and suffering. Throughout these episodes, we're going to lay a theological framework for

[00:00:16] each topic, flesh out misunderstandings that we sometimes hold, and offer practical advice

[00:00:22] and tips to help you along in your journey through mental health and suffering. We're

[00:00:28] going to be joined by various friends that I'm so glad are sharing their expertise and advice

[00:00:34] on these important and valuable conversations. If you're new to Better Days, we're a non-profit

[00:00:41] seeking to bring hope, awareness, and education to all things mental health and suffering.

[00:00:46] We help churches, people, and leaders understand the intersection between mental health and

[00:00:51] suffering and following Jesus. For more content from Better Days or to support our work, check

[00:00:56] out our website, betterdaysfmy.co. Let's jump into this week's episode.

[00:01:04] Hey, friends, welcome to another episode of Better Days Podcast with Stephanie Cain and Jason

[00:01:11] Cain, the only doctor on this table.

[00:01:14] Dr. Jason Cain The only doctor.

[00:01:15] Wesley Towne Dr. Stephanie Cain. And I've been thinking about

[00:01:19] doing an episode, having a conversation about insecurity for a while, because I think when we

[00:01:24] talk about the human condition and mental health and just the challenges that we face internally in

[00:01:30] our mind and our emotion, insecurity is such a prevalent reality for so many people. And to be

[00:01:36] honest, all of us struggle with insecurity. None of us have a perfect narrative about ourselves

[00:01:43] as we are thinking about our worth and our value. We often have doubts about ourselves

[00:01:48] and different aspects and relationships and spheres of life. And so, when I say the word

[00:01:54] insecurity, what do you think?

[00:01:57] Stephanie Cain I think of the valuation that you give yourself

[00:02:02] in various circumstances.

[00:02:04] Jason Cain Yeah, the thing that comes to my mind is just

[00:02:06] the word normal, right? It's normal for people to have insecurities, to think of themselves as

[00:02:11] less than in some cases. But as we'll talk about a little later on, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

[00:02:18] Because it shows you areas in your life where you need to experience growth. It can become an

[00:02:23] extremely negative thing when our insecurities are screaming at us so loud that we can't function

[00:02:28] in life or that we take on negative attributes because of it. But we'll see it as being something

[00:02:35] that can help you grow, but it is something that can put you into a stalemate as well in life.

[00:02:39] Jason Cain Yeah, I think normalizing it is so healthy.

[00:02:42] Because think about Moses. Here's one of the greatest characters in biblical history.

[00:02:47] God calls him out of the desert of Midian where he was a shepherd back to Egypt, his homeland,

[00:02:55] and he says, I want you to deliver my people out of Egypt. I want you to go speak to Pharaoh,

[00:03:00] the person in charge, the highest authority in the land. And he doubts his ability to communicate.

[00:03:07] And so, Aaron has to communicate for Moses because he's so insecure about his speech.

[00:03:13] And I just think that's so interesting that the Bible would highlight that.

[00:03:17] That's all of our story.

[00:03:18] Miles Yeah. And what's true about that story is

[00:03:22] Moses did have a stuttering issue, an issue with speech. So, it was something that could limit him.

[00:03:29] But what we see in that story is like if God calls you to do something, your limitations don't stop

[00:03:33] God's purposes. So, I think Moses had a good view of what he could and could not do. And it just

[00:03:38] caused him to rely on God. And for people who are believers, that's what our insecurities should do,

[00:03:43] should cause us to rely on God, but not be timid about what we can achieve in life.

[00:03:46] Pete Yeah, so good. I think,

[00:03:48] think about our situation, Jason. We all came from different churches and different

[00:03:54] places and spheres of ministry, and we came onto this team with 10, 12 of the most talented

[00:04:01] leaders, pastors, communicators in the nation.

[00:04:04] Jason Sure.

[00:04:05] Pete I won't count myself in that, but you're definitely in that camp.

[00:04:08] And man, all of us, I imagine at times we're like, whoa, that person's a really good leader.

[00:04:14] Jason Sure, sure.

[00:04:15] Pete Or that person's a really good thinker. That person's a really good communicator.

[00:04:19] Jason Yeah.

[00:04:19] Pete Those are interesting spheres that we enter into life and how do we think about

[00:04:27] those spheres in a healthy way that doesn't cause us to lose our confidence, our worth, our value?

[00:04:33] So, I think one of the things to bring up to the surface in this conversation is what are common

[00:04:41] insecurity traps? Like, what are common traps where people get involved in maybe an unhealthy

[00:04:48] rumination and view of themselves over a long period of time?

[00:04:51] Jason Yeah.

[00:04:52] I think you can get caught up in insecurity when you start to believe that you can't harness the

[00:05:00] insecurity and you can't use the insecurity. So, I really love the conversation we're having

[00:05:05] about now normalizing that everybody has insecurity and looking at Moses on how even

[00:05:10] his insecurity was used in a way that allowed him to really be more dependent on the Lord.

[00:05:18] And insecurities show up and they tell us these stories about ourselves and they limit,

[00:05:23] they can limit us, but they can also be an alert system that you can use to motivate you to grow

[00:05:29] in an area that maybe you need to grow or to motivate you or encourage you to be more dependent

[00:05:35] in a healthy way on partnering with other people who can encourage you and help build you up.

[00:05:40] Pete That's really good. Yeah.

[00:05:42] Miles I think another one of the, I guess,

[00:05:43] the traps that insecurity can take you in is comparison.

[00:05:45] Jason Yes.

[00:05:46] Miles So, when you get stuck in this comparison trap,

[00:05:48] I'm comparing myself to another speaker, I'm comparing myself to another dad or another mom,

[00:05:52] which happens online all the time, your insecurity will make you overcompensate

[00:05:57] for what you should be doing, right? Like you see another parent out there cooking every day

[00:06:02] of the week and you're thinking to yourself, oh, I can't take my kids out to eat. Well,

[00:06:05] your life situation might be different where you're dropping your kids off here and there.

[00:06:09] They got football at one time, baseball at another time. So, it's going to be impossible

[00:06:13] with all the things that you do. And I think we don't always know what's happening in everybody's

[00:06:17] life. Everybody's situation isn't the same. And I think when we get in this trap of comparison,

[00:06:22] if our insecurities take over, it'll make us do things that are,

[00:06:25] that make us react in unhealthy ways because of our insecurity.

[00:06:29] Jared Yeah. We can't measure ourself,

[00:06:31] our worth, and our success by other people's kind of storyline and narrative and success.

[00:06:38] I think that's entirely unhealthy. And when we do that, we end up measuring ourselves

[00:06:44] and our calling in unhealthy ways that God does not like place on us.

[00:06:50] Yvonne And I think that's why there are two things to really help with that. And one is

[00:06:55] to really spend time connecting with God so that you can start believing about yourself,

[00:06:59] what he believes about you. And that only comes from relationship with the Lord.

[00:07:04] And then also the relationship that we have with other people, finding people who you can trust,

[00:07:10] people who have credibility, people who know you, people who are willing to challenge you even

[00:07:15] to tell you the truth when you're believing a lie about yourself.

[00:07:19] Yeah. I think another thing that insecurity leaks into is imposter syndrome. I think those

[00:07:24] things run hand in hand. Imposter syndrome says, you know, I shouldn't have the job that I have,

[00:07:30] or I shouldn't get in the position that I'm in. If they find out who I really am,

[00:07:33] I'm not going to be able to get it. And I think insecurity just yells at us in those

[00:07:37] circumstances to make us think we're inadequate and can't get the job done.

[00:07:40] Pete I've heard so many interviews of great,

[00:07:43] successful people that all say, when I started in this, I told them that imposter syndrome.

[00:07:49] I didn't know what I was doing. I had to learn. I had to gain confidence in this. And people thought

[00:07:54] I was really good, but there were so many gaps that I knew inside of myself I didn't have.

[00:07:58] But if you think about it, there was a study that was done about imposter syndrome and how

[00:08:03] it actually can aid you in becoming what you need to become because you know what your shortfalls are

[00:08:08] and you know where you need to seek help and you know where you need to get better.

[00:08:11] Like maybe the thing that's worse than insecurity is overconfidence. Because if you're overconfident,

[00:08:16] then you're like, I don't need any help. I know exactly what I'm doing. And then that's

[00:08:19] when you run into a problem. So it can be a good thing if it's used in the right way.

[00:08:24] Yeah. The more that you know, the more that you realize you don't know.

[00:08:27] So true.

[00:08:27] What do you do with that?

[00:08:28] Yeah.

[00:08:28] The older I get, the more I realize I don't know. When I was younger, I thought I knew everything

[00:08:32] and I did it.

[00:08:34] The question is like, where does insecurity push you to? Does it push you towards curiosity

[00:08:39] to discover, to learning, or does it push you in a corner and tell you don't even do anything?

[00:08:44] Where does your insecurity push you to? Because again, we all have them. For Moses,

[00:08:49] it pushed him to rely on God heavily, which is a great thing. So it just depends on where

[00:08:53] it takes you to.

[00:08:54] That's a really valuable point. So the trap of comparison, the trap of, what's the word you

[00:09:00] would say? Imposter syndrome. The trap of unhealthy self-dialogue, I think is a major part of

[00:09:07] this whole conversation. The story we tell ourself about ourself is the story we believe

[00:09:14] about ourselves. So what is the story that you're telling yourself about yourself? That

[00:09:19] is such an important part of security versus insecurity.

[00:09:24] And who's the narrator of that story? That's not always you. We grow up and we're influenced by

[00:09:29] people around us, the people who we relate to. And maybe some of us grew up in a household

[00:09:34] where the story that we were told about ourselves were really negative stories. And we

[00:09:38] personalize and internalize that dialogue, and now we've adopted it as our own. So I think

[00:09:44] it's a good thing to ask yourself, who is shaping, who influenced this story? And what was

[00:09:50] happening with that person? And do I really view that person as a credible source for what

[00:09:55] I'm telling them?

[00:09:55] I mean, negative self-dialogue that's harmful is like, I'm stupid, I'm not worthy, I'm dumb,

[00:10:01] I'm inadequate. And really you can change those things from statements that are true of you. Like,

[00:10:06] I'm stupid is final, right? And it's not, you're not stupid. I read in a study, this lady named

[00:10:12] Carol Dweck wrote a book called Mindset. And she talks about a fixed mindset versus a growth

[00:10:16] mindset. A fixed mindset statement is I'm stupid. Nothing else can happen. But a growth mindset is,

[00:10:22] I don't know how to do this yet, but I'll learn. So insecurity will make you think, hey, I'm done,

[00:10:28] I'm stuck in this position. I'm inadequate, I can't learn. But a growth mindset will say,

[00:10:34] hey, I can take what I'm experiencing right now and I can learn to do what I need to do.

[00:10:39] And I think that's where the difference between a person who's healthy in their insecurities versus

[00:10:43] unhealthy in their insecurities lies.

[00:10:45] Peter- Stephanie, what are some common cognitive distortions that people

[00:10:51] begin to practice, become habitual internally around themselves? Like their view of themselves?

[00:10:57] Yeah, I think first of all, what Jason was talking about is people operating in absolutes.

[00:11:03] I always, I never, they put themselves in a box, I am. So these types of absolutes really

[00:11:11] lock people into this sense of insecurity in a way that they feel like they could never get out

[00:11:15] of it. And then there's all these different categories of areas where we feel insecure.

[00:11:19] We have physical insecurities, relational insecurities, emotional insecurities,

[00:11:23] financial insecurities, and all of these things can be shaped by our own experiences. And I very

[00:11:29] valid in real experiences. And I think that's the pitfall of insecurities is to a certain degree,

[00:11:35] there is some true experience that really undergirds why we shape these beliefs,

[00:11:42] these insecure beliefs. And so, we get stuck in that because there's some truth to where

[00:11:47] that's coming from, then we believe that all of it is true of us.

[00:11:50] Absolutely. That's really good. I think, like you said, we get stuck in this static mindset,

[00:11:56] like this is finality, this is who I am. I'm always going to be this way. I'm never going to

[00:12:01] be better or worthy or good enough or what have you. And realizing that those thoughts are powerful

[00:12:10] in our lives. And it's hard to get unstuck sometimes. It's hard to believe the opposite

[00:12:17] side. So, if somebody has been thinking these negative thoughts about themselves or another

[00:12:23] trap being the trap of destructive words like you mentioned, like somebody else said things about

[00:12:28] you that have lingered in your soul and lingered in your mind. How does a person go from,

[00:12:34] I've been thinking this about myself for the last 10 years. This is neuroplasticity wired into my

[00:12:40] brain, affecting my soul, affecting my relationships, affecting my relationship with

[00:12:45] God, my relationship with people, my own confidence in the giftings that God has given me. How does a

[00:12:51] person go from that place to a place of health, knowing that it takes time to untangle the

[00:12:59] negative dialogue? Therapy.

[00:13:01] Therapy.

[00:13:02] Right? I think therapy is probably at the top of the list. You need to have someone who can

[00:13:06] have these conversations with to help you in the process. Because like you said, it takes time for

[00:13:11] you to do that. And I think the way you change your dialogue is you literally, maybe you journal

[00:13:16] about who you are, the fact that you can grow to know that you can change. You talked about

[00:13:20] neuroplasticity and I think what we're learning through people like, what's the lady's name? Who's

[00:13:24] the neuroplasticity person? She wrote the book on it. I can't remember, but you can literally rewire

[00:13:30] your mind. Carolyn Leaf, talks about how you can rewire your mind. But I think going to therapy

[00:13:37] is a very valuable experience where you can help overcome your insecurities along with journaling

[00:13:44] and just knowing that it's a process that's going to take time. It's Romans 12, one and two. You

[00:13:49] got to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So this renewal takes place over time.

[00:13:54] And the work I do with clients in that is cognitive reconstruction. And that is consider

[00:13:59] alternative stories. What else could be true? Even if you don't believe it now, what else could

[00:14:05] be true? Because what happens to us in our minds is we have these insecurities we believe in and

[00:14:10] all of a sudden, as we're entering situations, we pull evidence to support what we already believe

[00:14:17] to be true. And so we come into the room and we see if I think that I am just odd and people

[00:14:24] don't want to be around me, I walk into a room and everybody's talking and maybe they didn't

[00:14:28] notice I walk in and then I tell myself, see, they saw me and they just now they're trying to

[00:14:32] busy themselves not to be around me. I'm looking for evidence to support, but instead challenge

[00:14:37] your thinking to go, okay, what else could be true? What else could it be? Could it be that they just

[00:14:42] didn't notice I came in because I came in quietly? Okay, how can I test to see? And then also the

[00:14:48] next thing is to test your belief. That takes a risk. Let me test it in some way. When I enter

[00:14:55] that room, let me go ahead and try to start a conversation with somebody to see if they receive

[00:15:00] me or not to see if this is true or not. The more you test and you prove your insecurity to be false,

[00:15:07] then that's when the restructuring occurs. You're creating new pathways in your brain,

[00:15:13] new evidence to support a different story, a different narrative about yourself.

[00:15:17] But what do you do in a scenario where you're like, your insecurity is true though?

[00:15:20] It's true.

[00:15:21] So going back to like sometimes people do enter into a room and the people are like,

[00:15:24] I'm annoyed by this person. What do you do in that case? Because it's an insecurity, but it's

[00:15:28] valid.

[00:15:29] Yeah. That's changing from the fixed mindset to the growth mindset to see, am I able to change?

[00:15:35] Is this a behavior? This is not who I am. There is a behavior that I'm engaging in. There's a

[00:15:42] behavior that I'm doing that is causing this to happen, that is causing people to be repelled

[00:15:48] from me or move away from me. So maybe if I change the behavior, then it'll change their

[00:15:54] response to me. So start externalizing it and looking at yourself, not from who you are,

[00:15:59] but what you're doing because that's, you can always change what you're doing.

[00:16:03] Yeah. And if there's not a behavior at the root of that, like there's not a behavior causing

[00:16:09] that consequence socially, relationally, I would just say it's hurtful. Like it's hurtful when we're

[00:16:15] judged and we're excluded from people based on something about ourselves. But I would say

[00:16:23] secondly, one of the hardest things to do is to realize we can't measure our worth by approval.

[00:16:30] Pete Yeah.

[00:16:30] Right? Like we have to realize, and this is where I think our understanding of God,

[00:16:36] finding our security and our identity in God is so valuable because we have something to

[00:16:41] root our identity in. The fact that in the beginning, God created us in His image and

[00:16:47] His likeness. That means we are, we literally are like statues. That's the word image.

[00:16:54] We're like statues. You ever, you know, LA Acres have some great statues, Kobe Bryant statue.

[00:16:58] You see the AI statue?

[00:17:00] No.

[00:17:00] Allen Iverson statue?

[00:17:01] Oh yeah, the AI statue.

[00:17:02] Bless his heart.

[00:17:03] Yes. He's one of my favorite players growing up.

[00:17:05] Me too, man.

[00:17:05] The Shaq statue, Jerry West. Statues are a reflection of the real thing.

[00:17:11] We're a reflection of God. God placed so much value and worth on us that when He created us,

[00:17:18] He literally created us to reflect Him in His nature. We reflect Him. Like we represent God,

[00:17:26] we have value and purpose and vocation and gifting, but we also reflect God's nature

[00:17:32] in like who we are. God's love, we love. God's compassionate, we're compassionate.

[00:17:36] God is God of justice, we feel justice. And I share that to say built in, wired into every

[00:17:44] human being is this design by God that shapes our understanding that we have intrinsic

[00:17:52] worth and value. And the only healthy way to measure our security, our confidence

[00:18:02] is by understanding our value in God. That is the most objective reality we have.

[00:18:10] So many of these scenarios are subjective. Some of them are objective, but the fact that we can

[00:18:14] root our life and we're creating the image of God and begin to say to ourselves, when those negative

[00:18:21] stories always come up, we have an alternative story being what does God say about me?

[00:18:27] How did God design me? If people say I'm bad, God says I'm forgiven. If people, if I say I'm not good

[00:18:36] enough or this happened in my life so I'm never going to move past this point, God says no,

[00:18:42] you are loved and you have a hope and a future. There's something about maybe even writing a

[00:18:49] chart, like negative views about myself, God's views about myself. And every time

[00:18:55] a negative story about ourself comes up, write it down on the left side. And every time that happens,

[00:19:02] intentionally write the counter story that God says about you on the right side.

[00:19:08] That could be a really healthy way to begin to retrain.

[00:19:11] It just makes me think about Jesus. Jesus, people had horrible negative things to say

[00:19:16] about Jesus all the way through, like, oh, He's a liar. He breaks the rules. Like, who is this guy?

[00:19:23] He went to His own town and tried to perform miracles and they were like, who? Like, really?

[00:19:29] Pete and Pete- Yeah.

[00:19:29] Yeah.

[00:19:29] Yvonne You know, like, He was faced also what could have been insecurities with people who did

[00:19:36] try to tell Him that He is less than who He really is all the time, His entire time there,

[00:19:42] you know, doing ministry. He was constantly being told that. And so, when we look at our

[00:19:46] circumstances and we go back to the root, which is like, we are made in the image of God and that

[00:19:51] is where our value is. But then we go, but look at my situation. People say this about me. I

[00:19:55] experienced that. I did this. I did that. You go, okay, well, Jesus, who we know is perfection,

[00:20:02] people said all kinds of stuff about Him, you know, and yet He still is Jesus.

[00:20:09] Pete But remember too, you ain't Jesus.

[00:20:12] Yvonne No, you're not Jesus.

[00:20:13] Pete So sometimes, like, I want to make it clear.

[00:20:17] Sometimes what people are saying about you is something for you to reflect on and make a change

[00:20:24] and have a place of growth.

[00:20:25] Yvonne It's good to reflect on it, but you don't have to make it who you are, your identity.

[00:20:29] Pete Sure. You don't have to make it your

[00:20:30] identity because sometimes the feedback we get from people, I think, can help us to grow and improve.

[00:20:37] Like, I think one of the things I've seen happen in the context of church is people like,

[00:20:41] well, if God like me, that's all that matters. Well, calm down. You know, yes, God loves you,

[00:20:46] but you should be winsome to people. You should love your neighbors. You don't have to be liked by

[00:20:51] everybody, but if everybody does not like you, there's probably an opportunity for growth there.

[00:20:55] Yvonne Yeah, yeah, for sure. So to kind of

[00:20:59] sum up this episode, how do we move from insecurity to security? So two quick things,

[00:21:07] value the image of God in yourself. So, so important and value the image of God in others

[00:21:15] because sometimes in our insecurity, we downplay other people. We like to try to elevate ourselves

[00:21:22] and then deconstruct other people. And I think a couple things that I think about when I think

[00:21:29] about these two things, value the image of God in yourself and value the image of God in others.

[00:21:35] Stay in your lane, right? That's Kevin Thompson. Like, run your race. Like, you have a race

[00:21:41] that you've been given that nobody else has ever been given. And you're not supposed to race me or

[00:21:48] Jason or Stephanie, you're just supposed to stay in your lane and run your race and value your

[00:21:54] opportunity in life. Your story is not other people's stories. Sometimes we let another

[00:22:00] person's story overshadow the value of our own worth and story. So recognize that like you have

[00:22:07] a lane, you have a story, you have value in and of yourself. My value like I look at you and I see

[00:22:16] in both of you like so many gifts, like brilliant, charismatic, great communicators. I don't have to

[00:22:24] look at you guys and say, I'm less valuable because you're gifted. No, God has given me a few gifts as

[00:22:32] well. And I can see my value through the lens of what God has given me and I can see your value

[00:22:39] through the lens of what God has given you. And I think we all have our individual purpose in life.

[00:22:45] So, recognizing that we don't, it's like social media, you know? We look at everybody's life and

[00:22:51] we realize, oh, like that's not the entirety of their story, right? Like that's curated and filtered

[00:23:01] and they probably took many photos to produce that. That's just not reality. And I just think

[00:23:10] recognizing our own worth and other people's worth are two building blocks in the equation to go from

[00:23:18] insecurity to security.

[00:23:19] Marilynne And I think to Jason's point,

[00:23:22] accept our limitations. You're not perfect. None of us are.

[00:23:25] Pete None of us.

[00:23:26] Marilynne There are areas that we can grow in.

[00:23:29] Pete Yes.

[00:23:30] Marilynne And then there is, we're not going to make it to the point of being excellent at

[00:23:35] everything. There are going to be some shortcomings. So, we can always use it as an opportunity for

[00:23:41] growth, not to make it an identity of who we are. So, don't allow your insecurities to keep you

[00:23:49] from growing and developing and challenging yourself and watching yourself go from one

[00:23:54] point to the next. That's what the whole journey of life is about, is that growth,

[00:23:59] is growing and recognizing your shortcomings.

[00:24:00] Pete Really good.

[00:24:01] Marilynne Yeah.

[00:24:01] Pete Yeah. I think there's an acronym for this because there's always an acronym. I'm the

[00:24:05] acronym, like I love acronyms. So, I think if you find yourself in a place of insecurity, this is

[00:24:10] how you deal with it. It's SAFE, S-A-F-E. The S is self-reflect. So, reflect on your insecurities,

[00:24:16] ask yourself the source of them, where they come from. And then the A is accept,

[00:24:20] accept that you have flaws. All of us do. There's not a human being out there who does not have

[00:24:25] flaws, who does not have areas of growth. Then F is focus on growth. So, identify that, hey,

[00:24:32] when I enter into a room, sometimes I can be abrasive. Identify that and I want to grow from

[00:24:37] that. You can grow from anything. It's having a growth mindset. And then E is empower. Empower

[00:24:41] yourself with the right people, put people around you that can help you become more self-aware.

[00:24:46] I think the, I don't know if the opposite of insecurity is self-awareness, but I think

[00:24:49] self-awareness plays a part of saying, this is who I am as an individual, but this is how I can

[00:24:54] grow to become who I want to be. Yeah. That last point's interesting and so valuable because

[00:24:59] relationships are like a mirror. Any healthy relationship, you get into it and you're hanging

[00:25:04] with somebody, you're going to realize, oh, there's something that this person is actually

[00:25:09] helping to empower me to grow. Like, so healthy. What a great conversation. I just feel like just

[00:25:16] saying to you who are listening, some of you are struggling with this deeply and it's hard work

[00:25:23] to go from insecurity to security. And even you may have been listening to this and still doubt

[00:25:30] yourself. And I just want you to know there is hope for you. There is incredible value in your life,

[00:25:36] in your purpose, in your gifting, what you have to offer relationships in this world.

[00:25:42] And this might be just the beginning step, taking small steps forward. Maybe some of these

[00:25:47] practical tools or concepts or mindsets that we talk about will really help. But I just want you

[00:25:53] to know there are better days for you. Can I say one more thing? Yes.

[00:25:55] Before you need to end with a statement, there are better days for you because it's perfect. But

[00:26:00] how would you put overcompensation and insecurities together? Like how does

[00:26:07] overcompensating for your insecurities negatively affect your life? Because I think we've seen that

[00:26:12] in some cases as well. Let's pass this to Dr. Kane.

[00:26:16] Yeah, I think this is the whole relational piece of it. Imagine if all of us made it a goal and

[00:26:24] a focus to not overcompensate. Then we've adjusted the whole expectation that we have of each other.

[00:26:32] Even the example of the social media posts, right? We are constantly adjusting, curating to

[00:26:38] have the perfect picture come through. There could be some element of overcompensation there,

[00:26:43] which then leads to somebody in your audience watching going, well, I need to look this way.

[00:26:49] What would happen if we decide in our relationships, even if we start small and we start with

[00:26:55] in our friendship groups, we're going to do less to overcompensate. We're going to check

[00:27:01] ourselves when we're finding ourselves trying to adjust our lives to make it look like what

[00:27:06] it really isn't. I give an example. I had a cousin, and this was years ago. I noticed on her,

[00:27:13] it actually was social media interesting, but she posted that she had a special,

[00:27:17] I don't know what she called it, but it was a spaghetti day where she invited friends

[00:27:22] and they rotated the friends who would come for dinner for spaghetti. And they all agreed,

[00:27:26] we're not going to clean our house. We're not going to break out the great China. We're not

[00:27:30] going to do any of that. You're going to come to my house as is, and we're going to use the

[00:27:35] dishes that we have, and we're just going to have spaghetti. That's what we're going to do.

[00:27:39] And they just kind of started posting pictures and you saw a pile of laundry in the corner

[00:27:43] and the dishes weren't clean. You saw the pot that was messy with the sauce on the side

[00:27:48] and people sitting in the middle of the table looking like just sweat, hair, whatever,

[00:27:54] and all having spaghetti and having a great time. What would happen if we really leaned more into

[00:27:59] that authenticity, that rawness of who we are? That's such a great example. And I would struggle

[00:28:07] with that. I am OCD clean. I can't function without everything in place.

[00:28:12] If that's who you are, then that's authentic. What is your motivation? If you are OCD clean

[00:28:20] and your motivation is that this is what's comfortable for me, I'm not doing that to

[00:28:25] prove myself to anybody. This is who I am. Then that is authentically who you are and you can be

[00:28:33] that. So there's also an acceptance that needs to come with the over, to combat the overcompensation

[00:28:40] and acceptance of accepting people where they are and who they are, which allows you to accept

[00:28:45] yourself to a certain degree of where your shortcomings are. Dr. Stephanie Cain dropping

[00:28:52] the mic on this episode. We hope you enjoyed this conversation. There are better days ahead for you.

[00:28:58] Talk to you again next week. Thank you for joining us today. We would love for you to help in

[00:29:05] spreading the word about Better Days Podcast so that we can bring hope and help to people navigating

[00:29:11] mental health challenges or suffering of any kind. We would love if you let a friend know who may be

[00:29:17] walking through a hard moment or you can also share on your social channels. We appreciate

[00:29:23] every person's support. You can find more resources at betterdaysfmy.co.

[00:29:29] Join us for another episode next week. There are better days ahead.

Making Good When All Feels Bad

Related Episodes

Grief After Loss

Suffering Changes Us

Finding Joy In Suffering

Search Episodes

Making Good When All Feels Bad