209. How Do We Go About Loving Ourselves?

[00:00:09] Hi friends, welcome to another episode of Making Disciples. My name is Chris and I am your host

[00:00:15] lovely to have this time with you today. Hope you do know right? I hope that you are enjoying

[00:00:21] the month of May if you're listening to this in real time. If you're listening to that of order

[00:00:26] I've not got help with that. I don't know what the word is going to be like but I hope you do

[00:00:30] know right and that life is treating you well. It's been really good over the last few months to be answering

[00:00:35] different discipleship questions that you guys have sent in. Now this isn't a question that's been

[00:00:39] sent in but it is a question that I've had from a friend of mine recently and it's a really interesting

[00:00:47] one and a helpful one for many of us because I think we do struggle to know what to say or

[00:00:56] what to think around this particular topic. So let me just kind of let you in on it. It says in

[00:01:01] Matthew 22 that was a love a logic on what your heart, your soul, your mind and your strength. That's

[00:01:06] one of those Bible passages that is like the central piece of discipleship loving God with your head,

[00:01:14] your hands and your heart and that's the theme throughout a lot of these making disciples episodes

[00:01:18] is loving God with their heads hands up and not only loving but as the great commandment says to

[00:01:26] teach people to obey his teaching. So loving and obeying God with your head, how you think

[00:01:33] your heart, what's going on internally, you often talk about it as terms of your soul,

[00:01:38] in terms of your heart and then your hands, your strength, you know what you do, what you've got.

[00:01:43] And then after that Jesus says these words, Jesus, right love the logic of God with your heart,

[00:01:49] you saw your mind and your strength. This is the greatest commandment. Then he says in the second

[00:01:52] is this love your neighbor, love your neighbor and then it says as yourself. So love your neighbor

[00:02:00] as yourself and I think what we end up doing here is we love God with their head hands and heart

[00:02:05] and then we got this follow up, you know love your neighbor and we talk about love the

[00:02:09] neighbor and the number of you know you google it, love the neighbor, you'll find a photograph

[00:02:15] of a guy with a baseball cap on it, this isn't on the baseball cap of that neighbor

[00:02:20] and that picture gets used all over the place. If I've seen one sermon with that picture and

[00:02:24] I've seen a million sermons of that picture and a picture of a guy with his head dipped down

[00:02:27] and on the cap it says love my neighbor and we talk a lot about love my neighbor, love my

[00:02:31] neighbor is it's important that we show Christ loved the world through the way that we then

[00:02:36] choose to love our neighbors, those that are around us what we fail to do is explore the second part

[00:02:43] of that line so love your neighbor and then it says as yourself, as yourself all the

[00:02:51] Lord the prophets hang on these two commands, loving go with your head your hands and your heart

[00:02:56] and then loving your neighbor as yourself and that's what I want to explore today,

[00:03:00] loving ourselves. So we're called to love our neighbor as ourselves. I hope that many of us

[00:03:07] do not love our neighbors as we love ourselves because actually many of us really struggle

[00:03:13] to love ourselves and because we can't love ourselves if we were to treat our neighbors in the same

[00:03:18] way we treat ourselves we would be you know be a poor practice people would not experience

[00:03:24] a positive thing, many of us do struggle loving ourselves. You look in the mirror it's very likely

[00:03:31] that what you look what you see and what's looking back at you is not something that you love

[00:03:37] or even appreciate. At many of us we really detest the way that we behave,

[00:03:43] we hate the way that we sometimes think, the way that we sometimes act we feel like our

[00:03:48] thought it's always in our mouths and and we really don't love ourselves. In fact many of us

[00:03:54] we actually almost you can say we hate ourselves we really detest ourselves and and that's why

[00:04:00] I want to explore today and I was having this conversation with a friend about this loving your neighbor

[00:04:03] and you know my friend just said you think it's Chris if I love my neighbor the way that I love

[00:04:07] myself, my my neighbor would become my enemy, my neighbor would become my enemy and I think I

[00:04:12] so treat it how many of us have almost become enemies of ourselves we we just don't like what we see

[00:04:19] and therefore if we were to love others like we love ourselves we're going to have a real problem

[00:04:23] so in today's episode that's what we're going to look at we're going to look at

[00:04:27] loving yourself because if we don't love ourselves then we are never going to be able to love

[00:04:35] others the way that Christ wants us to love so that's what we are going to talk about today

[00:04:41] how to love ourselves. So we're going to jump in pretty fast just a word for the coming weeks

[00:04:49] next few weeks I've got some great interviews I am really excited I've got an interview coming up

[00:04:55] with a guy called Matt Britten who performs the gospel of Mark in prisons and in pubs and in

[00:05:02] places and he's going to help us explore the gospel of Mark from the position of of a performance

[00:05:08] and he has some great stuff to say about that we got an interview coming up with Jim Wander Wallace

[00:05:13] who is a co-caste detective he's been on podcast before and he is a total legend and he's given

[00:05:21] more of his time to talk a little bit about Christianity and how we can be convinced by it

[00:05:27] and the fact so that's really exciting as well plus interviews with the church leaders and the

[00:05:31] thinkers so great weeks coming up now today we are talking about loving ourselves so let's jump

[00:05:38] in with the jingle and get on with the teaching so let's go for it how to love ourselves

[00:05:55] so let's talk about loving ourselves because the truth of it is many of us do not do that we don't

[00:06:01] love ourselves we tolerate and by tolerating ourselves we are not looking after ourselves maybe as

[00:06:11] well as we might look after others some of us are much better at loving our neighbor than we are

[00:06:13] loving ourselves and you know finally interesting that Jesus has loved your neighbor as yourself

[00:06:20] and there's an element here where some people really love themselves and therefore you can see

[00:06:27] why they need to love somebody else because they're so caught up with themselves

[00:06:31] whereas I say many of us we really aren't caught up with ourselves we're much better at serving others

[00:06:37] and we are serving ourselves so let's just jump into a couple passages so we've had them after

[00:06:41] you 22 you know love your neighbor just up but some one three nine says this for you created my

[00:06:46] innermost of being you knit me together in my mother's when I'd praise you because I am

[00:06:50] fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful I know that fall well do you know

[00:06:57] that you are fearfully and wonderfully made what a great set of beautiful poetic words we've got

[00:07:03] mmm yes I love those words but do you know those words do you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully

[00:07:10] we are so caught up in culture about looks aren't we we're so caught up about white so

[00:07:15] caught up about looks trying to put our best foot forward trying to present ourselves in the best

[00:07:21] possible way and you know people will spend a heck of a lot of money on clothing, hair, a lot of

[00:07:26] money on things that help their performance or the way that they they're external beauty might

[00:07:33] look, personal lot of money on that stuff friends you are fearfully a wonderfully made and I do

[00:07:38] not think the fearfully and the wonderfully are about your external beauty your body the way that

[00:07:46] it works the way that it functions the way that you navigate the world the way that you can think

[00:07:52] the way that you can speak you can reflect all of that it's because you're fearfully a wonderfully made

[00:07:59] it's not about your external beauty at all it's got the amazingness that you're a creation of God

[00:08:05] and that you shine God's glory because you're made in His image and that image doesn't necessarily

[00:08:11] mean the way that you look like him but there's something about your nature and your character

[00:08:17] your being that is the similarity the image of of God so you're fearfully a wonderfully

[00:08:24] your body is amazing the fact that you've got life you breathe is amazing one Peter three says

[00:08:34] this your beauty show not come from outward adornment such as elaborate estials the wearing of

[00:08:42] gold jewelry are fine clothes rather it should be that of your inner self the on fading beauty of

[00:08:50] gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight what one Peter three the

[00:09:00] such amazing teaching in Peter's um epistles that one Peter and two Peter don't get much

[00:09:07] screen time I'm poor blessing he seems to you get a lot of the the time I sent Paul but sent Peter

[00:09:15] the disciple Peter says something incredible things and actually what an amazing few verses

[00:09:23] your I mean this is like Peter speaking into our culture right now I mean this is exact in a

[00:09:30] culture that it's all about the outward adornment the elaborate hairstyle the jewelry the fine clothes

[00:09:36] sporting ability and all that he says into that your beauty should not come from outward adornment

[00:09:42] such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry are fine clothes rather it should be

[00:09:47] that of your inner self you're fading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is a great

[00:09:52] worth in God's sight what God loves and says is beautiful is not because of how you dress

[00:10:04] how you print yourself the way that you prune yourself and the may way that you present yourself this

[00:10:11] is not what determines how God sees your beauty the beauty that you have does not come from the

[00:10:19] fine clothes of the jewelry that you wear rather as Peter puts it it's because of the beauty of

[00:10:25] your inner self that is the place of beauty so if you think about loving yourself what we talk

[00:10:32] about so far you are fearfully a wonderfully made not because of how you look because of the fact

[00:10:37] that you are just flippied awesome and secondly your beauty does not come from external it I don't

[00:10:45] care what you look like I don't care what you see when you're looking the mirror when God looks at

[00:10:49] you he's not looking at outward beauty is looking for an inward beauty and so what God sees in you should

[00:10:58] be interesting to you you know loving yourself not because of what you look like externally but

[00:11:03] loving yourself because of who you are internally you know what is it here the passage says that

[00:11:08] God sees as beautiful gentle and quiet spirit not being so that's noisy and brash

[00:11:14] but somebody who is gentle in their spirit so let's just you know think like this God is not

[00:11:21] interested in your external it's interested in your internal so what is beautiful to God is not

[00:11:26] necessarily what's beautiful to us we're looking on the external stuff he's looking on the internal

[00:11:32] so let's shift our perspective and love for a second to love ourselves the way that God loves us

[00:11:38] let me just read this a little paragraph here self love allows us to accept God's love

[00:11:44] for us one John four nineteen self love allows us to accept God's love for us the Bible says

[00:11:53] that we love because God first loved us we can love because He's loved us hating ourselves makes it

[00:12:02] difficult to receive and experience the depths of God's unconditional love when we love ourselves

[00:12:09] despite our flaws we can more fully embrace how fully God shares us I think it's just really important

[00:12:20] I think by the way that we neglect to love ourselves some of us I'm missing out on God's love

[00:12:27] for us it's like because we can't love ourselves we are incapable of receiving the love that

[00:12:34] God has for us and one of the ways that we receive God's love is starting to be able to love

[00:12:41] ourselves we can then receive what He says and I would recognize it's something here as I

[00:12:46] appreciated that I was a child of God that I was loved by God and and I allowed that to

[00:12:53] kind of marinate and I then as I started to love myself more as I started to love myself more

[00:12:59] and loving ourselves more that's really hard for it I don't know if I don't love myself but you

[00:13:04] know it cherishing who I am because of God the more that I've been able to do that the more I've

[00:13:08] been able to receive the love that God has for me and it's like as as as the door opens a bit

[00:13:14] as I appreciate who I am in Christ and what He's made me to be and I love who God's made me to

[00:13:21] be in that the door opens a bit more and I can receive more of the Holy Spirit and more of God's

[00:13:25] love so it's like the more I open the door by loving myself the more the door is open to receive

[00:13:30] the love of God and some of us we are the door is so tiny shut we hate ourselves that it's

[00:13:36] so hard then for the spirit of God to to reveal his love to us now cause a supernatural move of God

[00:13:43] can swing that door wide open and change as how we see ourselves therefore change very often

[00:13:49] my experiences being the more I've loved myself the more I've experienced the love of God

[00:13:53] to say those words to love myself I find really difficult I want to be able to say something

[00:13:59] softer than that which would be to cherish myself or to care for myself more means I'll be able

[00:14:02] to receive more of God's love because like you know it's hard to even use those words towards ourselves

[00:14:07] you know I'm brought up in a culture so you don't love yourself don't be prideful you know

[00:14:10] it's a humility and gentleness what it's about so don't love yourself I know actually to receive

[00:14:17] the love of God it also means receiving love from ourselves so self love allows us to accept

[00:14:26] God's love for us the Bible says as we love the Bible says as we love because God first love

[00:14:36] does hating ourselves makes it difficult to receive and experience the depths of God's

[00:14:40] unconditional love when we love ourselves despite our flaws we are more fully we fully embrace

[00:14:46] our fully God cherishes us so knowing God's love for us means that we can love ourselves more

[00:14:52] but also as we'll be love ourselves more more we can cherish the love that God has for us

[00:14:59] and so there's something in all of this about us we love ourselves God loves us

[00:15:03] as God loves us we can love ourselves and it's somewhere in that paradox of the two

[00:15:08] that we find that we can really love ourselves so let me become very practical here for a second

[00:15:16] or for the rest of this episode I should say here are some short thoughts on how to love yourself

[00:15:24] because many of us really struggle with it I want to make this really really practical for us

[00:15:28] okay what about this one so how to love ourselves what about doing it through practicing self

[00:15:37] compassion being forgiving of yourself being compassionate to yourself choosing in the moments

[00:15:46] where you could be hard on yourself to choose to be compassionate to yourself so in those moments

[00:15:52] where you know you've stuffed up you've said the wrong thing you've acted in a way that's

[00:15:57] stupid why have I done that rather than turning on you're not only just having loathing yourself

[00:16:02] practice self compassion you know that if somebody said something stupid and you were talking

[00:16:11] you'd say don't worry about it we all make those mistakes you know yes you might want to go sorry

[00:16:16] so sorry to that person or it may be not that big a deal but you just feel foolish you know

[00:16:20] times when I have said something the person I've said it to you they're not interesting what

[00:16:25] I've just said but I just feel foolish I feel like I've said this stupid thing I've really

[00:16:29] been a fool of myself and in those moments to practice self compassion how would I tell someone else

[00:16:36] to feel about this situation that I'm now in well I would tell them to be gentle on themselves

[00:16:41] and I'd tell them to practice compassion become passion to yourself you know give yourself

[00:16:47] a bit of space we all we all do that so practicing self compassion the next way of practicing

[00:16:56] self love I would say can you appreciate your positive qualities maybe make yourself a cup of tea

[00:17:12] and rather than turning on your mobile phone I'll turn on the TV just allow yourself to sit there

[00:17:17] maybe with a note pad and ask yourself this question what are my positive qualities that

[00:17:24] make me me what are my positive qualities and these positive qualities spend just a bit of time

[00:17:30] appreciating them so I am dyslexic I've mentioned this before in the podcast I mentioned you know

[00:17:37] quite often at times because I think it helps liberate others when they see something else

[00:17:41] to dyslexic I for a long time struggle I felt I felt something wrong with me because of this

[00:17:48] this thing this dyslexia and what what I've ended up doing over the last 20 years is coming

[00:17:54] to appreciate things that sometimes I've seen as negatives in my life so rather than seeing dyslexia

[00:18:03] as a negative quality I've actually come to appreciate it as a positive quality because I am dyslexic

[00:18:10] there are certain things about me that are just different to others I think differently I see

[00:18:15] differently I can navigate things around me differently I'm very a my visual person I see stuff and

[00:18:21] we were only in dinner last night with all the friend of ours who does not in her mind

[00:18:28] visualized things and if I said you know to hurt on my trees you know say think of a tree she

[00:18:32] can't think of a tree but if I said to her think of the sound of wind she can do that

[00:18:40] her she's an auditory thinker so she thinks she words she remembers words are spoken to her

[00:18:49] not pictures but I've had a variety I can't this is a different boggoye for me so I see things she

[00:18:55] hears things she hears music she hears what is said repeated her that is a super power now for me

[00:19:03] my dyslexia becomes a super power because the way that my brain works it means that there's a quality

[00:19:08] there that others you know I can navigate things I can visualize things differently so actually choosing

[00:19:13] to not see the negatives but appreciate the positive dynamics or angles on the things so you know

[00:19:20] super of the my positive quality you know I am a creative I am an imaginative I can problem solve

[00:19:28] I can get on and get I can do projects that I can see projects through to the end

[00:19:33] no I can start something even though it's not going to be perfect when I start I can start something

[00:19:37] because I'll work it through to the end I'm a complete to finish her these are all positive things

[00:19:41] and I've had to spend time appreciating myself because I can look at what everything else is capable of

[00:19:46] like why am I so rubbish compared to them but I've spent time appreciating my positive

[00:19:54] qualities and owning them if you're listening to your in England this sounds quite alien to us

[00:20:00] if you're listening to the US you're like oh yeah that's what you do you know my medical friends

[00:20:04] I'm really good at this they're great at saying I'm great at this I don't know how culturally

[00:20:10] we've just been brought up differently but you know English friends we struggle with this so

[00:20:15] spending some time to appreciate your positive qualities is really important way of loving yourself

[00:20:21] what about challenging negative self-talk when you find yourself speaking poorly of yourself

[00:20:28] why not catch yourself a challenge yourself to not do that I'll give you an example so I often think

[00:20:37] that if I say something my view is not important I often think that my view is not interesting

[00:20:47] and that people will reject my view and what I've realized is one of the ways that I do that

[00:20:52] I talk about the royal we we have done this like I've constantly recently with the

[00:21:01] cost I've been doing recently and I often found myself talking about what we found in my research

[00:21:08] what we found there is no we that research was my research and

[00:21:13] I've really struggled put my name to that research because I find that really alien and I end up

[00:21:20] discrediting myself by saying we have found out that in the research that I've conducted

[00:21:26] and it's all messed up it's my research I've spent hours on this nobody else is on this

[00:21:30] so I end up using phrases that discredit myself from the authority that that

[00:21:38] research has and I do this at all the time where I where I speak negative phrases about myself

[00:21:45] and we're going to catch that haven't we and we have to challenge ourselves not to speak negatively of ourselves

[00:21:51] let's keep going so we talked about practicing self compassion appreciating your positive

[00:21:55] qualities challenging negative self talk and a couple of the ways to love yourself love yourself

[00:22:03] by doing things you enjoy some of us think that we don't deserve good things

[00:22:11] and that we should always do what others want because they're more valuable people than we are friends

[00:22:18] to love yourself do something that you enjoy show yourself your valuable and important

[00:22:27] valuable and important do something that brings you joy that may be through a hobby

[00:22:34] it might just be something you do on your own going to see something that you enjoy experience

[00:22:40] something that you enjoy because in that you actually tell yourself your valuable

[00:22:46] and that that time for yourself is valuable so do things that you enjoy I'd also say this

[00:22:52] another way of loving yourself is taking care of your body I'm not so good at this I definitely

[00:22:57] don't do exercise I don't like to keep fit I'm running is not something I enjoy I love walking

[00:23:04] that brings me joy but actually sports does it bring much joy which means that I tend to neglect

[00:23:08] my body I don't I don't do things to energise as my physical body I'm an artist

[00:23:15] can be a paint brush not paint you know give me something to make it I make it but this idea

[00:23:20] of using my body in a sport in where I just totally hated to me one of one of the ways

[00:23:25] that you can love yourself is taking care of your physical self your body and if you look

[00:23:31] after yourself poorly friends then you are going to live a shorter life that's kind of how it works

[00:23:36] I'll take care of yourself to care of the body that God has given you because it's fearfully and wonderfully

[00:23:42] made the other area I would say about loving yourself is this learning to forgive yourself and this

[00:23:49] is similar to this practicing compassion but learning to forgive the number of times I've said

[00:23:56] something or done something that I can't believe I'm like why have I said that stupid idea

[00:24:02] why did you let that leak out you know my extravertedness means sometimes I talk to you much

[00:24:08] and I hang myself and you know if you've been in that situation where you've been talking to

[00:24:13] an introvert and they just sit there silent you end up talking talking talking talking to you

[00:24:17] think why please just say something good I'm gonna I'm gonna say something I don't want the

[00:24:20] next thing you know you said something you don't want you think oh gosh why would I do that

[00:24:25] it just like garbage comes out my mouth sometimes just to fill a conversation because

[00:24:30] the other person is not saying anything and then I might oh gosh and then end up with this hangover

[00:24:35] this like emotional hangover I can't believe I said that I want stupid thing to say

[00:24:42] friends learn to forgive yourself learn to give yourself grace allow to give yourself forgiveness

[00:24:50] allow yourself to be set free from those things rather than chewing on them for hours and on

[00:24:57] end that that emotional hangover where you just think oh wait an idea forgive yourself like

[00:25:04] you might forgive somebody else next I would say this I want to weigh it of loving yourself is using

[00:25:13] positive affirmations if your English this is super difficult we are not good at affirming

[00:25:21] ourselves publicly we really struggle to speak well of ourselves well one way of loving yourself

[00:25:31] is choosing to speak positively and affirm the positives of you and your character choosing to

[00:25:39] speak of yourself in such a way that is kind to yourself so using positive affirmations so if we're

[00:25:47] a long time I would have really struggled to say on this podcast that dyslexia is my superpower

[00:25:55] for example because for me that has been such a negative thing you know really causing us to

[00:26:01] so it's struggle in life to actually turn it into a positive affirmation of myself and my

[00:26:06] character that actually one of the reasons I think that I'm able to explore the Bible and teach it

[00:26:13] in a more creative manner is because of my dyslexia so choosing to speak positively and affirm

[00:26:22] the positives in myself that's I found it really hard to do but by speaking well of yourself

[00:26:29] you are learning to love yourself when you speak with ill of yourself or you're doing

[00:26:36] it's called it's like self arm it is emotional verbal self arm when you speak poorly of yourself

[00:26:44] so positive and affirming words about yourself the final one way of helping to love yourself will

[00:26:51] be this to consider counseling if needed it may well be that you need to spend some time with

[00:26:57] somebody you can speak into your life and maybe a bit of CBT maybe some therapy maybe having a

[00:27:06] counselor ask questions and get to the bottom of why do we end up behaving that way I think so many

[00:27:13] of us in the UK we we don't put ourselves forward we don't speak well with ourselves because we've

[00:27:19] grown up in the culture and a school system that has hard drilled into us don't be the

[00:27:24] man if you want don't be the guppy one don't speak up keep your head down be humble no

[00:27:31] you like to show off you know it's a phrase isn't it no it's a show off and therefore we've

[00:27:35] we've formed ourselves around this way I think where we end up we don't want to show off

[00:27:41] because that's that people will not like you if you show off therefore we end up

[00:27:46] doing the complete opposite going in ourselves and actually hating ourselves rather than showing

[00:27:51] off ourselves we do the opposite we end up hating ourselves so friends considering some

[00:27:56] counseling to have a counselor speak into where's that come from is it to do with child her does

[00:28:01] it do you parents this is to be the friend there's a somewhere that you've been spoke your last

[00:28:06] me spoken into is that you are there's actually caused you harm to consider getting yourself some

[00:28:11] counseling friends Jesus says love the logic of all your heart you saw in your mind in your strength

[00:28:17] and second is this love your neighbor as yourself learning to love yourself is a part of the

[00:28:25] commandment this great commandment loving your neighbor as you love yourself loving yourself is a part

[00:28:33] of God's command for you not love your neighbor and hate yourself but love yourself and from loving

[00:28:40] yourself loving others knowing God loves loving knowing the love that God has for you

[00:28:46] and allowing that to change how you love yourself and now love others let in that way

[00:28:52] loved by God and you love yourself because of what he's done for you therefore we choose to love

[00:28:58] others and I think that is a really difficult but important piece of our discipleship and it's

[00:29:03] not something we need to just know in our heads it is something we also need to know in our hearts

[00:29:08] in our heart of hearts loving ourselves the best qualities put in our best foot forward

[00:29:14] and then loving ourselves with our hands by practically putting things in place that are going to

[00:29:20] love us doing the things that we enjoy taking care of our bodies going places and acting out

[00:29:29] in such a way that we can be proud of ourselves so loving God with your head your hands and your heart

[00:29:33] I was safe friends we also need to love ourselves with our heads our hands and our hearts loving

[00:29:37] ourselves in our head so we're not constantly stewing on things loving ourselves in our hearts

[00:29:42] so we don't see ourselves in a bit away but in a hopeful joyful caring way and loving ourselves

[00:29:49] with our hands by tangibly putting things in place that we can enjoy and appreciate ourselves

[00:29:55] so there you go friends loving obviously head your hands in your heart and maybe loving yourself

[00:30:00] with your head your hands in your heart because if you don't love yourself and you can't love

[00:30:03] your neighbor the way that God wants you to love your neighbor friends until next time grace and peace

[00:30:10] do give me your thoughts in the comments I'd love to hear your thoughts on what we talked

[00:30:16] about today have you got away of loving yourself that I've not mentioned I would love to hear it so

[00:30:20] friends until next time grace and peace have a great week